Beggars are supposed to be poor, right? Why are they suddenly so rich in owned content that they can flag videos on YouTube?
Bears don’t lay landmines.
Today marks thirty-one days since the most recent U.S. General Election, and the vast majority of political pundits have retired to their respective cryogenic pods to await the next gaffe. That fact does not, however, mark the end of theories attempting to attribute an exact formula to the outcome of the election—f(x)=Romney loss, or some such nonsense. As a thoroughly nonsensical person I feel it is only my civic duty to add to this nonsense, and therefore I present my thoughts on why Romney lost, and why he was never a serious candidate in the first instance.
A little over two months before the election, I was returning to my bedroom at three in the morning with a glass of limeade (as is my custom) when I was struck with an intriguing thought: what if Romney was a pirate? Upon careful consideration of this idea, I realized that this one simple change would solve the great majority of the problems of the Romney campaign and practically toss the election at his feet. How could one simple career switch change the course of the democratic process, you ask? The first step in explaining such an apparently inexplicable reversal begins with realizing what was wrong with the Romney campaign in the first instance.
In an overall analysis, three points emerge. In the first instance, Romney was a millionaire and the favorite candidate of the elite, and was therefore “out of touch” with the majority of the United States. Secondly, Romney couldn’t help but constantly shift his position on important issues, and was a dictionary-definition flip-flop. Finally, Romney appeared to feel no empathy, whether the subject of his lack of feeling was a dog or the “forty-seven percent.” These three main issues that irreparably damaged Romney’s hopes of presidency would all have been neatly sidestepped had Romney been of the privateer’s persuasion.
So, why would a Captain Romney have fared better than a simple millionaire in a general election? As it turns out, the business practices of a pirate are considerably easier to explain than those of a capital gains man such as Romney. While candidate Romney had a difficult time explaining his tenure at Bain Capital, Captain Romney would have waved aside his “restructuring” as “looting” or perhaps “plundering.” Under Captain Romney, sketchy offshore tax havens are transformed into “buried treasure hiding-spots,” and a $10,000 bet to Rick Perry becomes “a buccaneer’s wager of gold doubloons.” Surely a chest brimming with gold would be easier to explain than a check, especially in the case of a pirate.
Romney’s indecisiveness, too, could have been put down to a pirate’s natural disposition. Any good Seventeenth Century sailor knew that one had to change one’s sails to match the direction of the wind, and pirates were no exception. Captain Romney would never flip-flop on issues; he would instead always follow the windward course, as a good pirate should.
Finally, Romney’s apparent lack of human emotion could be explained away in an instant with an eye patch and a parrot. Pirates are naturally expected to be heartlessly gold-oriented, and generally no-one thinks worse of them if they cut down anyone standing between them and a doubloon. Romney didn’t really have anything against the forty-seven percent, he just wouldn’t have minded taking a cutlass to them. Pirates regularly make captives walk the plank, so why shouldn’t the same be true for corporations, seeing as they’re people too, my friend?
In addition to turning candidate Romney’s weaknesses into Captain Romney’s strengths, the presence of a peg-leg and a bottle of rum would have avoided all but one of Romney’s plentiful gaffes. The dog on the roof, for instance, would not have been on the roof at all—he could easily have been the lookout in the crow’s nest. While candidate Romney had no good reason to be interested in the strength of the U.S. Navy, Captain Romney would have been more than justified. The only little discrepancy unexplained by a pirate Romney is his comment on Syria: any pirate worth his weight in booze would surely know that Syria and Iran don’t share a border, and on top of that, Iran already has its own path to the sea. Such a minor slip, of course, is far outweighed by the innumerable benefits of piracy to the Romney campaign.
At this point, I feel I have thoroughly explained why a pirate Romney would have fared far better than a land-lubbing, millionaire Romney. Consequently, I shan’t explore why First Mate Ryan would have been far superior to V.P. Nominee Ryan, or why the right to carry and conceal a rapier would have made a stronger campaign issue than gun freedom. In conclusion, it is almost painfully obvious where Romney went wrong—and it is painfully necessary for the G.O.P. to learn from their mistakes, should they seek to take the helm in 2016.
Thank you for ploughing through this particular piece of pirate-y political punditry. I think I’ll go back to my pod now, unless someone else requires my insight? No? Then I leave you with the last words of the Dread Pirate Dennis Morgan:
“Arrr.”
Seriously, folks, I don’t know why I keep making these things!
I don’t know why I keep making Ron Paul posters, but here’s another!
I’ve been talking to myself this entire time. How amusing.
My unofficial campaign poster for Ron Paul - inspired by Bonecanoe86.
March 3, 1912
Decided to try something new today, dear weblog. I started this very Tumblr! As I do not Book my Face, nor practice addition with Google, I thought this was a pleasant alternative to ”other” websites. Is it the dawn of a new era? Only time will tell.
-Col. James E. Crackers, Most Dubious of Ferns